Editing your "Ideal Mate" list...

I was recently conversing with some people who are actively working on attracting their life partner/ideal mate into their lives... The conversation got around to 1) how important it is to have a list of the qualities you desire to find in your ideal mate, and, 2) how even MORE important it is to EDIT the list so it's not TOO specific!!!

Sounds like a bit of a double bind doesn't it!

One reason I am a fan of editing a very detailed list is NOT because I do not think it is perfectly acceptable and valid to both want and hold out for EXACTLY what you desire in a mate - because I fervently believe that you DESERVE exactly what your heart most wants! However, I have a theory that the element of "TIME" is also a quality to be added to the list!

In other words, I believe that the Universe is trying to give you EXACTLY what you want in a partner, but, when that "recipe" of qualifications is super-specific, it may take quite a while for the Universe to orchestrate the 3 requirements for putting the two of you together:

1. Identifying and locating the precise person to match to your desires
2. Freeing that person from any commitments he/she may be involved in currently
3. Getting the two of you BOTH in physical proximity to one another

Therefore, in attempt to give you exactly what you want, the Universe may be working on it as FAST as it possibly can, but it still may take a Looooooooonnnnnggggg time. Unfortunately.

But, have heart, there ARE some possible solutions though! That is where careful editing comes into the equation! The trick is to carefully edit out that which is not a deal-breaker for you, while keeping in the qualities which are very important to the fulfilling and satisfying, loving and joyful intimate relationship you are seeking to create and attract!

Sensitive editing is a multi-step process, and I will go into one of the steps (the one I believe is the most fruitful and important) thoroughly here. If you want more information on the other two that are mentioned, you can send me an e-mail, but I think you'll get the gist of it!

STEP 1
(After you have created a list of all the qualities you want in a partner...) The BEST BEST BEST thing you can do with your "ideal mate" list is go through each and every item on the list, and come up with a few reasons WHY you want that particular quality in your partner. There is no wrong/bad answer, but it is important for you to be honest with YOU, because it is YOUR inner being that is doing the "wanting" and your conscious mind has to get up to speed with believing it's both possible and legitimate to want/have that (and the first step of that is knowing why you want it in the first place, and not secretly believing that you are being frivolous!)

For instance, when I was still looking for my husband, at 6' tall myself, I really wanted to find someone tall. However, I heard from SO many people throughout my life that said things like "but what if you fall in love with someone shorter than you?" or "you know, that's going to eliminate a HUGE percentage of the population" or "what does it say about you that you think you can only love someone who is taller than you?!" ...Oh, the peanut gallery - so many people, so quick to judge when they don't even have what I want themselves, so why on Earth should I have listened to them in the first place??!! But I did, on some level at least, so I had to get really specific and honest with myself about WHY I wanted what I wanted - and it took courage - standing up for the quiet voice of what your own heart really wants is almost never easy! ...Not when the peanut gallery is around! So I took a long walk with my voice recorder (I do my best reflection when I am mindlessly engaged in something that doesn't take thought of it's own (walking, showering, even writing - but sitting down to JUST think doesn't get me very far!)) and asked myself that question: "WHY do I want "my guy" to be taller than me?"

I came up with answers that may seem frivolous or shallow or silly to other people, but, they were what MY heart wanted, what inspired the feelings that *I* wanted to feel when I was with "my guy" - and *THAT* is the important part for each of us to identify when we are trying to attract someone/something as important as a mate into our lives! The more honest you are with yourself now, the stronger foundation you will have for happiness later, because other people are far from perfect all the time, and you will want to reference back to why you wanted "this" in the days ahead! ...So, I listed all the answers I could come up with, things like:

• "I want to feel somewhat petite when I am with my guy - I am tired of feeling "big" around men, and I want to feel feminine with him"
• "I want him to wear bigger clothes sizes than I do - I want my under things to be the smallest items in the laundry - I feel happy about my own body when that is true"
• "I want to feel like we "match" one another, like we "go" together"
• (...a big one) "I hated it when I was with boyfriend-X and people stared at us because I was 4" taller than him - that felt really yucky, I didn't like how *I* felt in that situation, and I want to feel proud, happy and confident walking down the street!" (that particular boyfriend was very important in my life in other ways at the time, but I digress)
• "I like the feeling of both of us "blending in" with the rest of the people in my extended family photos"
• "I want to be very physically attracted to my mate, and I am really only physically attracted to tall men!"
• "Spooning is SO much better when the guy is bigger than me!"
• ...Etc. etc. etc. - there were more, but you get the idea!
  

I listed A LOT of things, because this was a hot button for me! I basically had to remind and convince myself that I was worthy of having my mate be in line with my desires on that topic, AND why it really was valid to feel that way. ...And, the more reasons "why" I listed, the more I knew which qualities were really important to me!

This exercise may take quite a while, but it is SO worth it!! After you have you have thoroughly identified WHY you care about each quality, you will have a much better idea of how to rank them (we'll get to "ranking" in step 3 below). Another benefit of this "why" exercise is to give you a sense of what qualities you might want to strengthen or cultivate in yourself, rather than waiting for your mate to bring them to the table... For me, these were things like career confidence/earning power, as well as DIY/fix-it ability for projects around the house (just to name a couple). Part of me had been waiting for "him" to fill in those gaps, then, when I started to just work on them myself, I lost that sense of "needing" him to "be that" FOR me. 'Needing' and 'desiring' are two very different energies... Any quality that is on your "ideal partner/mate" list should be there because you prefer that quality in people close to you, not because you are missing it entirely. ...If you are missing it entirely, you may want to consider the virtues of paying a professional to help you with it rather than hoping your partner will fill that void (with the possible exception of sex, perhaps!)

Whew! Long answer to what is actually a very simple (though time consuming) exercise! Now for step 2 in the editing process...

STEP 2
Time is a factor... Look over the qualities in your list and get a sense of which ones would fall into these two categories:

• Category A) Qualities I MUST have in a partner, no matter how long it takes
  
• Category B) I would rather have him/her in my life NOW than wait for someone with this quality

Ask yourself: "Would I rather have a mate with this quality, or would I rather have someone immediately, without this quality?" (...pretend that you must choose between those two options (ultimately, you may not have to, but think about the priorities as if you do!)) The point here is not to eliminate any of your desired qualities necessarily, but to get REALLY honest with yourself about what is most important to you! It may be that you want someone who is your idea of perfect, and you are willing to wait for that, and that is fine... But, if you factor time into the equation, it may be that you want to get on with experiencing your life with a loving companion right away, in which case maybe he/she doesn't need to be "perfect"? It's up to you - it's your own most deeply held heart's desires that are dictating this connection (and WHEN it may happen!)

STEP 3
Now that you have gotten really honest with yourself, you know what you want, why you want it, and how important it is to you to meet him/her now vs. how long you can wait for your perfect someone to come along... A good way to quantify this new knowledge is to rank all the qualities of your ideal mate into an A-list, a B-list, and a C-list.

Your A-list are the absolute MUST haves - the total deal-breakers if your mate did not have these qualities... Sexual orientation and gender are good examples of A-list items! All the items that you decided you were willing to wait for as long as it takes (Category A from step 2, above) are definitely A-list qualities. For me, "my guy" had to be tall, so that was an A-list item. Some other A-list items on my own list, or the lists of some of my friends included items as diverse as "clean-breather" (non-smoker without the emphasis on the very act she was trying NOT to attract), "omnivore" (from a friend's list who valued eating all kinds of food and wanted to share that activity with his future wife), "family-oriented and wants kids" (for someone who has a very close relationship with her own family and definitely wanted to have children of her own), or "sports fan" (from the list of a guy I know who lives sports day-in and day-out)...

That last example could be a trait that might fall into a B-list or even a C-list item for someone else. B-list items are ones that you really do want in a partner, but maybe there is a little latitude in your willingness for them to learn or develop that hobby/interest/trait, or perhaps they do have that quality, but not to the same degree that you do, or maybe they are the "category B" items (from step 2, above) - the qualities you definitely want, but, if you had to choose, you'd rather have your partner NOW than wait for these "B-list" traits...

The C-list items are the ones that are just icing on the cake... "It would be great if he liked going wine-tasting, but it's alright if he doesn't - I don't 'need' to do that with my guy to be happy", or "It would be really cool if she was a volleyball fan, but she doesn't have to be as long as she is happy doing her own thing when I go play", and the like. The C-list items are items that you could almost scratch off the list entirely, but, just to make sure that the Universe knows what your preference is, they are still on the list. They are preferences, but if it came down to it, you would absolutely choose to have your partner RIGHT AWAY rather than wait for these type of traits.

****

The good news is that you CANNOT get it wrong! ...Your dreams are God's dreams FOR YOU! The entire Universe is conspiring to give you exactly what you want in a mate. Perhaps the next one who comes along will be that very person, or maybe he/she will be fun for a little while and end up helping you to realize that there is an important quality that should have been on your "ideal mate" list... Everyone you meet can help you clarify what kind of experience YOU want to have in your relationships! Every person you come in contact with is getting you closer and closer - it is impossible to make a mistake when YOU are attracting the very people who help you to recognize what it is YOU really want in a partner!

The long and the short of it is that the Universe IS trying to give you exactly what your heart wants, and you DESERVE to experience that!!! Life is supposed to be joyful and fun, and sharing ones life experience with a loving partner is a HUGE component of that! ...And, your ideal mate is trying to find YOU just as much as you are trying to find them! The point of editing your list is to put you in the energetic vicinity of your mate as soon as possible, so that you can get on with it and live the joyful life you are meant to live!

Until he/she finds you, just keep working on strengthening the qualities on your "ideal mate" list in YOURSELF, and have as much fun as possible in your own life... Soon, you will be just going about your day and "Poof!" your mate will be standing right in front of you (though you may not know it right away!) It WILL happen - it IS happening now!