Editing your "Ideal Mate" list...

I was recently conversing with some people who are actively working on attracting their life partner/ideal mate into their lives... The conversation got around to 1) how important it is to have a list of the qualities you desire to find in your ideal mate, and, 2) how even MORE important it is to EDIT the list so it's not TOO specific!!!

Sounds like a bit of a double bind doesn't it!

One reason I am a fan of editing a very detailed list is NOT because I do not think it is perfectly acceptable and valid to both want and hold out for EXACTLY what you desire in a mate - because I fervently believe that you DESERVE exactly what your heart most wants! However, I have a theory that the element of "TIME" is also a quality to be added to the list!

In other words, I believe that the Universe is trying to give you EXACTLY what you want in a partner, but, when that "recipe" of qualifications is super-specific, it may take quite a while for the Universe to orchestrate the 3 requirements for putting the two of you together:

1. Identifying and locating the precise person to match to your desires
2. Freeing that person from any commitments he/she may be involved in currently
3. Getting the two of you BOTH in physical proximity to one another

Therefore, in attempt to give you exactly what you want, the Universe may be working on it as FAST as it possibly can, but it still may take a Looooooooonnnnnggggg time. Unfortunately.

But, have heart, there ARE some possible solutions though! That is where careful editing comes into the equation! The trick is to carefully edit out that which is not a deal-breaker for you, while keeping in the qualities which are very important to the fulfilling and satisfying, loving and joyful intimate relationship you are seeking to create and attract!

Sensitive editing is a multi-step process, and I will go into one of the steps (the one I believe is the most fruitful and important) thoroughly here. If you want more information on the other two that are mentioned, you can send me an e-mail, but I think you'll get the gist of it!

STEP 1
(After you have created a list of all the qualities you want in a partner...) The BEST BEST BEST thing you can do with your "ideal mate" list is go through each and every item on the list, and come up with a few reasons WHY you want that particular quality in your partner. There is no wrong/bad answer, but it is important for you to be honest with YOU, because it is YOUR inner being that is doing the "wanting" and your conscious mind has to get up to speed with believing it's both possible and legitimate to want/have that (and the first step of that is knowing why you want it in the first place, and not secretly believing that you are being frivolous!)

For instance, when I was still looking for my husband, at 6' tall myself, I really wanted to find someone tall. However, I heard from SO many people throughout my life that said things like "but what if you fall in love with someone shorter than you?" or "you know, that's going to eliminate a HUGE percentage of the population" or "what does it say about you that you think you can only love someone who is taller than you?!" ...Oh, the peanut gallery - so many people, so quick to judge when they don't even have what I want themselves, so why on Earth should I have listened to them in the first place??!! But I did, on some level at least, so I had to get really specific and honest with myself about WHY I wanted what I wanted - and it took courage - standing up for the quiet voice of what your own heart really wants is almost never easy! ...Not when the peanut gallery is around! So I took a long walk with my voice recorder (I do my best reflection when I am mindlessly engaged in something that doesn't take thought of it's own (walking, showering, even writing - but sitting down to JUST think doesn't get me very far!)) and asked myself that question: "WHY do I want "my guy" to be taller than me?"

I came up with answers that may seem frivolous or shallow or silly to other people, but, they were what MY heart wanted, what inspired the feelings that *I* wanted to feel when I was with "my guy" - and *THAT* is the important part for each of us to identify when we are trying to attract someone/something as important as a mate into our lives! The more honest you are with yourself now, the stronger foundation you will have for happiness later, because other people are far from perfect all the time, and you will want to reference back to why you wanted "this" in the days ahead! ...So, I listed all the answers I could come up with, things like:

• "I want to feel somewhat petite when I am with my guy - I am tired of feeling "big" around men, and I want to feel feminine with him"
• "I want him to wear bigger clothes sizes than I do - I want my under things to be the smallest items in the laundry - I feel happy about my own body when that is true"
• "I want to feel like we "match" one another, like we "go" together"
• (...a big one) "I hated it when I was with boyfriend-X and people stared at us because I was 4" taller than him - that felt really yucky, I didn't like how *I* felt in that situation, and I want to feel proud, happy and confident walking down the street!" (that particular boyfriend was very important in my life in other ways at the time, but I digress)
• "I like the feeling of both of us "blending in" with the rest of the people in my extended family photos"
• "I want to be very physically attracted to my mate, and I am really only physically attracted to tall men!"
• "Spooning is SO much better when the guy is bigger than me!"
• ...Etc. etc. etc. - there were more, but you get the idea!
  

I listed A LOT of things, because this was a hot button for me! I basically had to remind and convince myself that I was worthy of having my mate be in line with my desires on that topic, AND why it really was valid to feel that way. ...And, the more reasons "why" I listed, the more I knew which qualities were really important to me!

This exercise may take quite a while, but it is SO worth it!! After you have you have thoroughly identified WHY you care about each quality, you will have a much better idea of how to rank them (we'll get to "ranking" in step 3 below). Another benefit of this "why" exercise is to give you a sense of what qualities you might want to strengthen or cultivate in yourself, rather than waiting for your mate to bring them to the table... For me, these were things like career confidence/earning power, as well as DIY/fix-it ability for projects around the house (just to name a couple). Part of me had been waiting for "him" to fill in those gaps, then, when I started to just work on them myself, I lost that sense of "needing" him to "be that" FOR me. 'Needing' and 'desiring' are two very different energies... Any quality that is on your "ideal partner/mate" list should be there because you prefer that quality in people close to you, not because you are missing it entirely. ...If you are missing it entirely, you may want to consider the virtues of paying a professional to help you with it rather than hoping your partner will fill that void (with the possible exception of sex, perhaps!)

Whew! Long answer to what is actually a very simple (though time consuming) exercise! Now for step 2 in the editing process...

STEP 2
Time is a factor... Look over the qualities in your list and get a sense of which ones would fall into these two categories:

• Category A) Qualities I MUST have in a partner, no matter how long it takes
  
• Category B) I would rather have him/her in my life NOW than wait for someone with this quality

Ask yourself: "Would I rather have a mate with this quality, or would I rather have someone immediately, without this quality?" (...pretend that you must choose between those two options (ultimately, you may not have to, but think about the priorities as if you do!)) The point here is not to eliminate any of your desired qualities necessarily, but to get REALLY honest with yourself about what is most important to you! It may be that you want someone who is your idea of perfect, and you are willing to wait for that, and that is fine... But, if you factor time into the equation, it may be that you want to get on with experiencing your life with a loving companion right away, in which case maybe he/she doesn't need to be "perfect"? It's up to you - it's your own most deeply held heart's desires that are dictating this connection (and WHEN it may happen!)

STEP 3
Now that you have gotten really honest with yourself, you know what you want, why you want it, and how important it is to you to meet him/her now vs. how long you can wait for your perfect someone to come along... A good way to quantify this new knowledge is to rank all the qualities of your ideal mate into an A-list, a B-list, and a C-list.

Your A-list are the absolute MUST haves - the total deal-breakers if your mate did not have these qualities... Sexual orientation and gender are good examples of A-list items! All the items that you decided you were willing to wait for as long as it takes (Category A from step 2, above) are definitely A-list qualities. For me, "my guy" had to be tall, so that was an A-list item. Some other A-list items on my own list, or the lists of some of my friends included items as diverse as "clean-breather" (non-smoker without the emphasis on the very act she was trying NOT to attract), "omnivore" (from a friend's list who valued eating all kinds of food and wanted to share that activity with his future wife), "family-oriented and wants kids" (for someone who has a very close relationship with her own family and definitely wanted to have children of her own), or "sports fan" (from the list of a guy I know who lives sports day-in and day-out)...

That last example could be a trait that might fall into a B-list or even a C-list item for someone else. B-list items are ones that you really do want in a partner, but maybe there is a little latitude in your willingness for them to learn or develop that hobby/interest/trait, or perhaps they do have that quality, but not to the same degree that you do, or maybe they are the "category B" items (from step 2, above) - the qualities you definitely want, but, if you had to choose, you'd rather have your partner NOW than wait for these "B-list" traits...

The C-list items are the ones that are just icing on the cake... "It would be great if he liked going wine-tasting, but it's alright if he doesn't - I don't 'need' to do that with my guy to be happy", or "It would be really cool if she was a volleyball fan, but she doesn't have to be as long as she is happy doing her own thing when I go play", and the like. The C-list items are items that you could almost scratch off the list entirely, but, just to make sure that the Universe knows what your preference is, they are still on the list. They are preferences, but if it came down to it, you would absolutely choose to have your partner RIGHT AWAY rather than wait for these type of traits.

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The good news is that you CANNOT get it wrong! ...Your dreams are God's dreams FOR YOU! The entire Universe is conspiring to give you exactly what you want in a mate. Perhaps the next one who comes along will be that very person, or maybe he/she will be fun for a little while and end up helping you to realize that there is an important quality that should have been on your "ideal mate" list... Everyone you meet can help you clarify what kind of experience YOU want to have in your relationships! Every person you come in contact with is getting you closer and closer - it is impossible to make a mistake when YOU are attracting the very people who help you to recognize what it is YOU really want in a partner!

The long and the short of it is that the Universe IS trying to give you exactly what your heart wants, and you DESERVE to experience that!!! Life is supposed to be joyful and fun, and sharing ones life experience with a loving partner is a HUGE component of that! ...And, your ideal mate is trying to find YOU just as much as you are trying to find them! The point of editing your list is to put you in the energetic vicinity of your mate as soon as possible, so that you can get on with it and live the joyful life you are meant to live!

Until he/she finds you, just keep working on strengthening the qualities on your "ideal mate" list in YOURSELF, and have as much fun as possible in your own life... Soon, you will be just going about your day and "Poof!" your mate will be standing right in front of you (though you may not know it right away!) It WILL happen - it IS happening now!

Complaints Create Reality...

Truth be told, of course all thoughts create reality! ...But, unfortunately, complaining almost always creates that reality faster, more distinctly, and more powerfully than quietly focusing on desires and wishes does! ...then, it creates even more complaints.

The reason for this is threefold:

1) Complaints are usually issued with powerful emotion, intensity, palpable feelings attached and a great deal of vivid mental imagery. That emotional energy is the fuel for thoughts which are manifested based on how intensely they are envisioned.
2) Complaints are usually repeated to oneself over, and over, and over - strengthening with every iteration. And then, making it even more tangible, complaints are often said aloud to others and to the Universe - thus soliciting further strength in the form of agreement from others, or the "arguing & defending" cycle of interaction which roots the thoughts ever more deeply (by forcing us to hold onto our "position" in the matter).
3) Complaints enhance an existing mental picture of "reality" - a decision about how "reality" IS that must be manifested through the Law of Attraction: That which is likened unto itself is drawn. In other words - you get what you focus on, and complaining is a powerful force of focus!

So, what to do about it???!!

The answer is simple (but not necessarily easy): STOP!

Stop and ask yourself: "What DO I want?"

As soon as you catch yourself complaining (or even indulging in someone else's complaints), simply stop. Try to imagine what experience you would like instead - both in the moment and with regard to the situation or relationship being complained about, and assert THAT instead!

You catch yourself hearing, speaking, thinking or saying something like: "this sucks - I just got laid off, I don't have any more money coming in, I can't afford anything I want anymore, and those jerks at work don't even know what they are doing - they are going to regret this!" STOP! What would you like instead???? Simply beginning to identify and verbalize what you would like instead will begin to put you on the road toward it! Just asking yourself what you would like instead can neutralize the venom of the complaining - YOU have the power!

YOU HAVE THE POWER! YOU! You are a powerful creator, you are a divine and glorious soul who is continuously creating and manifesting the experience you are living just by focusing your attention on it!

Try to keep coming back around to thinking about the experience you would like to have:

"I would like to feel good, and happy, and peaceful, and secure"
"I would like to have a job that I enjoy"
"I would like to feel calm while I am driving, even if there is traffic"
"I would like to be laughing rather than feeling like I want to break something"
"I want to feel fabulous, sexy, svelte, and hot in my clothes"
"I want to KNOW there is enough money for everything I need"
"I want to see evidence and examples of that being true"
"I want to be around happy people"
"I want to feel appreciated at work"
"I want to feel relief"

Identifying what IS wanted is the first step toward having it (and, it is the hardest part!) For many of us, the only thing that is holding us back from the life of our dreams is simply deciding WHAT that IS! So go ahead - next time you catch yourself proclaiming statements about something you DON'T want, try turning it around and take a stab at asserting what you would like instead. You will have just completed the most important part of a positive manifestation (...and, you can always change your mind again later!)

ALL of My Relationships are Harmonious...

ALL of my relationships are harmonious, satisfying, fulfilling, fun, joyful, loving, rewarding, intimate, communicative, expressive, peaceful, joyful, loving, joyful, loving, joyful...

ALL of my relationships are satisfying, fulfilling, loving, fun, joyful, harmonious...

ALL of my relationships are joyful, loving, harmonious, satisfying, fulfilling, communicative, expressive, intimate and deeply rewarding...

I say things like this like a mantra, over and over, in my head ALL the time! Especially when the current state of the relationship (or any given relationship) SUCKS - that is when I have to say it the most! ...And you know what? It starts to work. Not instantaneously mind you, but it does start to work! It does require saying it over and over again, enough times in your mind, to where it starts to reach a "critical mass" of thought, but it DOES truly start to change your experience of your relationships - especially the ones closest to you!

So next time you want to "rip that guy's head off" at work, or your spouse grates on your last nerve, or you feel like chucking that crazy girlfriend "out the window", catch yourself and repeat the above affirmations over and over in your head - you don't have to use the exact words, and you don't have to use all of them - just make sure the words you DO use are a clear reflection of positive words you DO want to experience in your relationships! If you can only remember to say harmonious, or satisfying, or fulfilling... that will do! Just start!

I have pulled myself through some pretty dark relationship days with just those words! There have been times when I couldn't come even close to mustering the phony belief that "all my relationships were loving" but I could at least mumble the words to say that they were harmonious (even though that is the LAST thing they seemed to be at the moment!) But it helped! Within a very short time period, they would inevitably start to seem that way again (sometimes it takes longer than others) and then I could start adding even more positive words to the affirmation in my head.

What is actually going on when you say those kind of affirmations over and over (even when you don't believe them) is that you are training your mind to focus on "All harmonious relationships" and both your subconscious and the Universe effectively respond with "Yes - All relationships ARE harmonious!" and then the Law of Attraction manifests that reality into your experience by attracting what you are focusing on. Or, if a person in your life is not in a position to be harmonious with your intention at the time, they will naturally not be around as much until they are.

You can only attract what you are focusing on: If you are focusing your mind on the idea that "that guy is a sick and twisted jerk", you are inadvertently attracting more "sick and twisted jerks" into your life (in every area). And, by the very same token, if you are focusing your mind on the idea that "all my relationships are harmonious, satisfying, fulfilling, loving, peaceful and fun", then you are attracting more of that!

Try it! I think you'll be amazed at the love and joy you have around you RIGHT NOW (even if you can't see it just yet!)