Editing your "Ideal Mate" list...

I was recently conversing with some people who are actively working on attracting their life partner/ideal mate into their lives... The conversation got around to 1) how important it is to have a list of the qualities you desire to find in your ideal mate, and, 2) how even MORE important it is to EDIT the list so it's not TOO specific!!!

Sounds like a bit of a double bind doesn't it!

One reason I am a fan of editing a very detailed list is NOT because I do not think it is perfectly acceptable and valid to both want and hold out for EXACTLY what you desire in a mate - because I fervently believe that you DESERVE exactly what your heart most wants! However, I have a theory that the element of "TIME" is also a quality to be added to the list!

In other words, I believe that the Universe is trying to give you EXACTLY what you want in a partner, but, when that "recipe" of qualifications is super-specific, it may take quite a while for the Universe to orchestrate the 3 requirements for putting the two of you together:

1. Identifying and locating the precise person to match to your desires
2. Freeing that person from any commitments he/she may be involved in currently
3. Getting the two of you BOTH in physical proximity to one another

Therefore, in attempt to give you exactly what you want, the Universe may be working on it as FAST as it possibly can, but it still may take a Looooooooonnnnnggggg time. Unfortunately.

But, have heart, there ARE some possible solutions though! That is where careful editing comes into the equation! The trick is to carefully edit out that which is not a deal-breaker for you, while keeping in the qualities which are very important to the fulfilling and satisfying, loving and joyful intimate relationship you are seeking to create and attract!

Sensitive editing is a multi-step process, and I will go into one of the steps (the one I believe is the most fruitful and important) thoroughly here. If you want more information on the other two that are mentioned, you can send me an e-mail, but I think you'll get the gist of it!

STEP 1
(After you have created a list of all the qualities you want in a partner...) The BEST BEST BEST thing you can do with your "ideal mate" list is go through each and every item on the list, and come up with a few reasons WHY you want that particular quality in your partner. There is no wrong/bad answer, but it is important for you to be honest with YOU, because it is YOUR inner being that is doing the "wanting" and your conscious mind has to get up to speed with believing it's both possible and legitimate to want/have that (and the first step of that is knowing why you want it in the first place, and not secretly believing that you are being frivolous!)

For instance, when I was still looking for my husband, at 6' tall myself, I really wanted to find someone tall. However, I heard from SO many people throughout my life that said things like "but what if you fall in love with someone shorter than you?" or "you know, that's going to eliminate a HUGE percentage of the population" or "what does it say about you that you think you can only love someone who is taller than you?!" ...Oh, the peanut gallery - so many people, so quick to judge when they don't even have what I want themselves, so why on Earth should I have listened to them in the first place??!! But I did, on some level at least, so I had to get really specific and honest with myself about WHY I wanted what I wanted - and it took courage - standing up for the quiet voice of what your own heart really wants is almost never easy! ...Not when the peanut gallery is around! So I took a long walk with my voice recorder (I do my best reflection when I am mindlessly engaged in something that doesn't take thought of it's own (walking, showering, even writing - but sitting down to JUST think doesn't get me very far!)) and asked myself that question: "WHY do I want "my guy" to be taller than me?"

I came up with answers that may seem frivolous or shallow or silly to other people, but, they were what MY heart wanted, what inspired the feelings that *I* wanted to feel when I was with "my guy" - and *THAT* is the important part for each of us to identify when we are trying to attract someone/something as important as a mate into our lives! The more honest you are with yourself now, the stronger foundation you will have for happiness later, because other people are far from perfect all the time, and you will want to reference back to why you wanted "this" in the days ahead! ...So, I listed all the answers I could come up with, things like:

• "I want to feel somewhat petite when I am with my guy - I am tired of feeling "big" around men, and I want to feel feminine with him"
• "I want him to wear bigger clothes sizes than I do - I want my under things to be the smallest items in the laundry - I feel happy about my own body when that is true"
• "I want to feel like we "match" one another, like we "go" together"
• (...a big one) "I hated it when I was with boyfriend-X and people stared at us because I was 4" taller than him - that felt really yucky, I didn't like how *I* felt in that situation, and I want to feel proud, happy and confident walking down the street!" (that particular boyfriend was very important in my life in other ways at the time, but I digress)
• "I like the feeling of both of us "blending in" with the rest of the people in my extended family photos"
• "I want to be very physically attracted to my mate, and I am really only physically attracted to tall men!"
• "Spooning is SO much better when the guy is bigger than me!"
• ...Etc. etc. etc. - there were more, but you get the idea!
  

I listed A LOT of things, because this was a hot button for me! I basically had to remind and convince myself that I was worthy of having my mate be in line with my desires on that topic, AND why it really was valid to feel that way. ...And, the more reasons "why" I listed, the more I knew which qualities were really important to me!

This exercise may take quite a while, but it is SO worth it!! After you have you have thoroughly identified WHY you care about each quality, you will have a much better idea of how to rank them (we'll get to "ranking" in step 3 below). Another benefit of this "why" exercise is to give you a sense of what qualities you might want to strengthen or cultivate in yourself, rather than waiting for your mate to bring them to the table... For me, these were things like career confidence/earning power, as well as DIY/fix-it ability for projects around the house (just to name a couple). Part of me had been waiting for "him" to fill in those gaps, then, when I started to just work on them myself, I lost that sense of "needing" him to "be that" FOR me. 'Needing' and 'desiring' are two very different energies... Any quality that is on your "ideal partner/mate" list should be there because you prefer that quality in people close to you, not because you are missing it entirely. ...If you are missing it entirely, you may want to consider the virtues of paying a professional to help you with it rather than hoping your partner will fill that void (with the possible exception of sex, perhaps!)

Whew! Long answer to what is actually a very simple (though time consuming) exercise! Now for step 2 in the editing process...

STEP 2
Time is a factor... Look over the qualities in your list and get a sense of which ones would fall into these two categories:

• Category A) Qualities I MUST have in a partner, no matter how long it takes
  
• Category B) I would rather have him/her in my life NOW than wait for someone with this quality

Ask yourself: "Would I rather have a mate with this quality, or would I rather have someone immediately, without this quality?" (...pretend that you must choose between those two options (ultimately, you may not have to, but think about the priorities as if you do!)) The point here is not to eliminate any of your desired qualities necessarily, but to get REALLY honest with yourself about what is most important to you! It may be that you want someone who is your idea of perfect, and you are willing to wait for that, and that is fine... But, if you factor time into the equation, it may be that you want to get on with experiencing your life with a loving companion right away, in which case maybe he/she doesn't need to be "perfect"? It's up to you - it's your own most deeply held heart's desires that are dictating this connection (and WHEN it may happen!)

STEP 3
Now that you have gotten really honest with yourself, you know what you want, why you want it, and how important it is to you to meet him/her now vs. how long you can wait for your perfect someone to come along... A good way to quantify this new knowledge is to rank all the qualities of your ideal mate into an A-list, a B-list, and a C-list.

Your A-list are the absolute MUST haves - the total deal-breakers if your mate did not have these qualities... Sexual orientation and gender are good examples of A-list items! All the items that you decided you were willing to wait for as long as it takes (Category A from step 2, above) are definitely A-list qualities. For me, "my guy" had to be tall, so that was an A-list item. Some other A-list items on my own list, or the lists of some of my friends included items as diverse as "clean-breather" (non-smoker without the emphasis on the very act she was trying NOT to attract), "omnivore" (from a friend's list who valued eating all kinds of food and wanted to share that activity with his future wife), "family-oriented and wants kids" (for someone who has a very close relationship with her own family and definitely wanted to have children of her own), or "sports fan" (from the list of a guy I know who lives sports day-in and day-out)...

That last example could be a trait that might fall into a B-list or even a C-list item for someone else. B-list items are ones that you really do want in a partner, but maybe there is a little latitude in your willingness for them to learn or develop that hobby/interest/trait, or perhaps they do have that quality, but not to the same degree that you do, or maybe they are the "category B" items (from step 2, above) - the qualities you definitely want, but, if you had to choose, you'd rather have your partner NOW than wait for these "B-list" traits...

The C-list items are the ones that are just icing on the cake... "It would be great if he liked going wine-tasting, but it's alright if he doesn't - I don't 'need' to do that with my guy to be happy", or "It would be really cool if she was a volleyball fan, but she doesn't have to be as long as she is happy doing her own thing when I go play", and the like. The C-list items are items that you could almost scratch off the list entirely, but, just to make sure that the Universe knows what your preference is, they are still on the list. They are preferences, but if it came down to it, you would absolutely choose to have your partner RIGHT AWAY rather than wait for these type of traits.

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The good news is that you CANNOT get it wrong! ...Your dreams are God's dreams FOR YOU! The entire Universe is conspiring to give you exactly what you want in a mate. Perhaps the next one who comes along will be that very person, or maybe he/she will be fun for a little while and end up helping you to realize that there is an important quality that should have been on your "ideal mate" list... Everyone you meet can help you clarify what kind of experience YOU want to have in your relationships! Every person you come in contact with is getting you closer and closer - it is impossible to make a mistake when YOU are attracting the very people who help you to recognize what it is YOU really want in a partner!

The long and the short of it is that the Universe IS trying to give you exactly what your heart wants, and you DESERVE to experience that!!! Life is supposed to be joyful and fun, and sharing ones life experience with a loving partner is a HUGE component of that! ...And, your ideal mate is trying to find YOU just as much as you are trying to find them! The point of editing your list is to put you in the energetic vicinity of your mate as soon as possible, so that you can get on with it and live the joyful life you are meant to live!

Until he/she finds you, just keep working on strengthening the qualities on your "ideal mate" list in YOURSELF, and have as much fun as possible in your own life... Soon, you will be just going about your day and "Poof!" your mate will be standing right in front of you (though you may not know it right away!) It WILL happen - it IS happening now!

MY world...

My work is based on the idea that MY thoughts create what I experience to be MY reality - in other words, MY thoughts create MY world... I want to share MY world with you:

• MY world is one of abundance for ALL - there is plenty of clean air to breathe, healthy delicious food to eat, and nourishing, life-giving, pure water to drink - plenty...
• In MY reality, all people are learning to live together in harmony, in love, in peace, in kindness, and in mutual respect. In MY world, people are generous of spirit with one another and lift one another up with a smile, a word, a deed, and the knowledge of our inter-connectedness that surpasses all but the thread of love that weaves us...
• In MY world everyone is doing work they LOVE to do - that inspires them, fulfills them, satisfies them, sustains them, and utilizes the unique gifts that we were each put here to use...
• MY world has MORE than enough of everything for everybody who wants it - when something is temporarily in short supply, something NEW will be invented or a new process will take it's place to fill the need...
• In MY reality each of us is living a life of JOY and beauty and love - sure, there may be moments of frustration or challenge, but only so long as it takes to forge new ideas of where to grow from here, to identify what new channel of satisfaction and fulfillment can be created from the new information I am living (and loving) today...
• In MY world there is plenty of gas, homes, wheat, banks, oil, space, land, water, bandwidth, time, money, and resources to fill every need, and, when one of these (or something else) seems to be in short supply, it only means that something EVEN BETTER is on it's way...
• MY reality is such that every cell in my body is perfect, whole, and complete and functioning at optimal levels - I am feeling better and better ALL the time - I am of pure, perfect health and wholeness, and MY world is sustaining me perfectly...
• MY reality is so incredibly rich and abundant and free - in MY world, money is as simple as the energy flow of love and the more I am consciously and consistently sending the energy of love out from me, money is flowing right back in to me. In MY world, this is how it works for everybody - the energy of love is endless and thus, the flow of money is endless...
• In MY world, I am surrounded only by people and situations that are in harmony with my intentions...
• In MY reality I KNOW that there are thousands of examples of "good news" stories for every tragedy I accidentally hear about from a television broadcast - in MY world the media corporations don't televise the good news because there are SO MANY examples and instances that they simply don't have time...
• ALL of my relationships are harmonious in MY world - I am happy and contented and peaceful in my interactions with friends, family, and all the people I come into contact with on a daily basis. My closest relationships are satisfying, fulfilling, loving, joyful, communicative, and enriching - I am in a glorious loving relationship with MY OWN true self, and all others flow harmoniously from there...
  
• In MY world everything I become aware of can be turned around to benefit me, inspire me, teach me, help me to refine the ideas I have about what I want to experience next, and assist me in learning to love more...
• In MY world we are all living EXACTLY the lives we truly want to be living, and if it isn't quite there yet, it just means that it is still on the way and I have MUCH to be excited about!!
  

...And MY world can be YOUR world too!

It is my plan to meditate on this vision of MY world for a moment each morning - to paint the picture of MY reality so firmly in my mind that what I experience can be no other way for me! Law of Attraction tells us that we manifest what we focus upon, and I choose to manifest MY version of reality! I am overcome with gratitude and appreciation that each and every one of us has the freedom to create their own vision in exactly the same way - we can choose to focus on the world the way the TV news would have it be, or we can choose to see it in a more loving and gentle light. It is my belief that as we choose it, so to we experience it - it is an individual choice. YOUR world IS what YOU choose it to be!

As for me, I intend to ONLY see examples of what reflects MY chosen reality back to me!

And so it is.

Get a New Money Mantra!

When the author of "Eat-Pray-Love" was on Oprah, she mentioned the importance of "getting a new mantra"...

And I was just thinking - when one affirms in their head/thoughts of "I need more money" or "I need money for _________ " that is effectively an affirmation or a mantra that has the effect of attracting more things/situations to NEED more money FOR!

...No matter how true the statement "I need more money" may be right now, it is probably best NOT to be constantly affirming that state with our thoughts (which is what repeatedly thinking the thought does to us internally), and rather, switch the thought to something more to the point of what the money is really wanted FOR. Something like: "I am excited about the ability to pay for my daughters private school tuition because x, y, and z." or "I am thrilled about the idea that it always works out for me, so I know that good fortune is turning up to insure my needs are met", or "the health of my family is always my first priority, and I feel peace when I remind myself that there is always a way for us to obtain the best care", or "even if I don't know the solution yet - I do know that it will come to me!", etc.

Some thought that isn't lying to yourself, but also isn't simply re-affirming a "need" that isn't yet fulfilled.

It is said that if one is having a frustrating day, that one should NOT ask for more patience, because that affirmation attracts more challenges with which to strengthen ones patience. It is better to ask for the END-STATE that is desired rather than the means by which we THINK it is to be achieved - in other words, using the above example, in a frustrating situation, ask for more joy, more peace, more appreciation, more love, more contentment, more relief - that way you will be attracting situations which have the effect of generating joy, peace, relief - by the most efficient means - rather than trying to figure HOW to do it ourselves!

So, when you catch the thought "I need money" floating through your head, try to use it as a signal to switch your thought to the REAL end-state you'd like to achieving (health, security, confidence, peace) in using that money. Using money is great - needing it is not. (...and it is not necessarily the only way either - grace comes in many forms!)

ALL of My Relationships are Harmonious...

ALL of my relationships are harmonious, satisfying, fulfilling, fun, joyful, loving, rewarding, intimate, communicative, expressive, peaceful, joyful, loving, joyful, loving, joyful...

ALL of my relationships are satisfying, fulfilling, loving, fun, joyful, harmonious...

ALL of my relationships are joyful, loving, harmonious, satisfying, fulfilling, communicative, expressive, intimate and deeply rewarding...

I say things like this like a mantra, over and over, in my head ALL the time! Especially when the current state of the relationship (or any given relationship) SUCKS - that is when I have to say it the most! ...And you know what? It starts to work. Not instantaneously mind you, but it does start to work! It does require saying it over and over again, enough times in your mind, to where it starts to reach a "critical mass" of thought, but it DOES truly start to change your experience of your relationships - especially the ones closest to you!

So next time you want to "rip that guy's head off" at work, or your spouse grates on your last nerve, or you feel like chucking that crazy girlfriend "out the window", catch yourself and repeat the above affirmations over and over in your head - you don't have to use the exact words, and you don't have to use all of them - just make sure the words you DO use are a clear reflection of positive words you DO want to experience in your relationships! If you can only remember to say harmonious, or satisfying, or fulfilling... that will do! Just start!

I have pulled myself through some pretty dark relationship days with just those words! There have been times when I couldn't come even close to mustering the phony belief that "all my relationships were loving" but I could at least mumble the words to say that they were harmonious (even though that is the LAST thing they seemed to be at the moment!) But it helped! Within a very short time period, they would inevitably start to seem that way again (sometimes it takes longer than others) and then I could start adding even more positive words to the affirmation in my head.

What is actually going on when you say those kind of affirmations over and over (even when you don't believe them) is that you are training your mind to focus on "All harmonious relationships" and both your subconscious and the Universe effectively respond with "Yes - All relationships ARE harmonious!" and then the Law of Attraction manifests that reality into your experience by attracting what you are focusing on. Or, if a person in your life is not in a position to be harmonious with your intention at the time, they will naturally not be around as much until they are.

You can only attract what you are focusing on: If you are focusing your mind on the idea that "that guy is a sick and twisted jerk", you are inadvertently attracting more "sick and twisted jerks" into your life (in every area). And, by the very same token, if you are focusing your mind on the idea that "all my relationships are harmonious, satisfying, fulfilling, loving, peaceful and fun", then you are attracting more of that!

Try it! I think you'll be amazed at the love and joy you have around you RIGHT NOW (even if you can't see it just yet!)

LOVE of SELF is the KEY to Attraction

Did anyone see the Oprah Winfrey show from last week on the subject of "Raising Happier Kids"? I sure did, and, though I do not have kids yet, boy am I ever glad I watched! On it, Martha Beck (...One of my heroes - Author of Expecting Adam and How to Find Your Own North Star) was talking about how children learn to love themselves by watching how their parents love themSELVES - not by how the parent loves the child - how the parent loves him or her SELF!!! Wow!

"The ONE thing you can do to teach your children to be happy is to love your OWN life! And then, love for others comes as a natural out pouring after that. If you raise kids and you only love THEM, and NOT YOURSELF, then they grow up to be people who cannot love themselves! ...They don't treat themselves the way YOU treat THEM, they treat themselves the way YOU treat YOU!"

-Martha Beck

Because our children (and everyone else, for that matter) are reflections for and of us, and they are constantly patterning what they see us do (to ourselves), if you demonstrate that you only love them (but not really yourself), then they cannot learn to love themselves (or you, very well), because they've watched you not love yourself!

...And it works this same way for everything! EVERYTHING! Not only the way our children, family, friends, co-workers, and all other people "love" us... But, this same idea also applies to how the UNIVERSE loves us! That is the essence of WHY the Law of Attraction works at different rates (and for different things - positive and negative) for different people!

We HAVE to learn to LOVE ourselves! ...It's the key to everything!!!

If the Universe sees and experiences US loving OURSELVES more and more, then, by the Law of Attraction, the Universe has NO choice BUT to love us more and more - give us even more to LOVE to love about Life and ourselves! It is LAW. ...And, in taking the "action" of actively loving ourselves more, we are effectively living the Law of Allowing as well - opening ourselves up to receive more and more because we are focused on LOVE!

Start RIGHT NOW! Think about something, anything, you love about yourself. Now think of another. And another... Think about it as much and as often as you can! Go to bed tonight thinking about it - try to get yourself to drift off to sleep while you are listing items you love about YOURSELF in your mind's eye... I guarantee that if you do, tomorrow will be a better day. I'm not quite sure HOW it will be, but I guarantee you it WILL be! It may even be a miracle - just like YOU!